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Thursday, 02 October 2008

  • Have you ever seen that careerbuilder.com commercial where the woman's heart jumps out from her chest in a bloody mess, stomps over to her boss, and then shows him an 'i quit' sign? i think mine just did the exact same thing to me.

Thursday, 07 February 2008

  • So ... I don't know what to say

    I wish I could say something of meaning or just something coherent; for this week has been one gigantic katamari and I've picked up on every emotion from the people around me. It's an intuition I can't turn off and it's driving me batshit insane.

    I have considered locking myself in my room for the rest of the week just so I could gather all my marbles and neatly place them back inside my head. But instead of being a coward, I put on my brave face and went on my way like nothing is happening. I mean, who can I talk to anyway? Everybody has their own shit to deal with and they don't need mine.

    For example, work always sucks so whatever emotion I feel sitting behind my desk, it's easy to leave them there at the end of the day. But lately when I speak to my clients on the phone, for some reason, I can tell if they're happy/sad/anxious/sick. Then they confirm it by telling me something totally unrelated to business. What can I say, for so long people have been giving me too much information that nothing fazes me anymore. So at the end of the work day, I pack my shit up and leave all the moods I picked up along the way. But this time it's different. Something in me has changed. Somebody turned up the intense sensitivity level and I don't know how to undo it. So I drag myself to school ... as I sit inside that classroom with the mercury rising, I have a hard time concentrating on the subject as my classmates seem to emanate their feelings even as they lobby questions to the professor. Anger, distress, love, boredom, you name it, I feel it all rapid cycling during the whole 2 hours.

    I go home, my roommates are both at opposite ends of the spectrum. One is deliriously happy but cautious and anxious at the same time while the other one is just depressed. As I sit there with them rehashing stories from their day, I am exhausted by the end of it all and just want to take my sleeping pills and quiet every single lick of emotion inside of me. But no, like the idiot that I am, I agree to spend time with the most confusing guy in my life right now who doesn't know what he wants and says one thing, does another, hurts me emotionally, then makes me happy, strings me along, doesn't trust me, then opens up, and everything inside of my head is willing my heart to just implode and die.

    So yeah, I still don't have anything to say. But I feel everything there is out there.

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

  • The scene plays in loop in my head
    Door opens, feet on linoleum
    Boots, scarf, your vintage shoes

    Sitting, talking, smoking
    Awkward silence.
    Hands extended, forced smile
    Eyes not met, scurry about

    The pillow is wet
    slumber is aided
    morning comes at last

    Best dress, face done
    I face the world with what I have left
    but there's no you, only no you

    And i wonder what could have been
    as I say goodbye to your vintage shoes.

Monday, 17 September 2007

  • Changes

    It's easy to get into a routine when you work 9-5, five days a week. You wake up, take a shower, drive to work, chain yourself to your desk while waiting for the day to end, drive back home, go out with friends, sleep, then do everything all over again the following day. Your friendships too, often take on a familiar road in which you think that you know all your friends inside and out that when they do something out of their norm, it always makes you see them in a different light.

    Like when a certain friend, who's always been kind of a wimp when it came to her boyfriend, stands him up when he goes back on his word for probably the billionth time. When an always patient and calm, scaredy-cat friend, gets into a fight in the middle of the street for yelling at a red necked moron who has blocked the road willingly with his big ass truck. Or when you think your friend, who is so far back down her own abyss, pulls herself up, even when its just for a moment, to try and date again. Yep, I no longer think that Bap is a pushover nor do I think Mau can never recover. And yes, I'm scared of Aila now.

    I recently had a conversation with someone regarding people and change. He said that people don't change because that's who they are. They won't and they can't. Maybe it's inherent. Maybe he's right. But they sure can surprise you every now and then.

    By the way, that friend I was talking to is an alcoholic. We were at a bar. And he ordered water with lime the rest of the night. Will wonders never cease?

Thursday, 06 September 2007

  • 5 tips for preventing a broken heart

    I read this on craigslist and this guy's views mirror my own. Let me just reiterate that I did not write this piece. (To the real author ... email me! Let's swap stories.)

    5 Tips for preventing a broken heart:

    If you absolutely HAVE to fall in love (and let's face it, most of us fall into that category; as with sex, it's unrealistic to advocate Abstinence--in this case, Emotional Abstinence. The body craves an orgasm the same way the heart craves love), go ahead and do it, BUT make sure you also do the following, for your protection:

    1. Always view love as dessert, NOT as the main course. Dessert is something you want, not necessarily something you need, as opposed to the main course which you do need for natural sustenance. If you view love (romantic love, that is) the same way, then it won't hurt as much when it disappoints. You can live without something you WANT, but can't live without something you need, and in this life, the only thing you really need is oxygen. So remember: Oxygen = main course; Love = dessert.

    2. Never trust the other person completely. Give them no more than 80% of your trust. Deny it if you want to, but Love is an investment. You hear it all the time--someone tearfully saying "I invested emotionally in him/her!" As with any investment, only an idiot invests 100% of their savings. People, like stocks, are unpredictable, unreliable, and unsteady. You've got to always leave at least 20% of your heart in your Savings Account. Never let Them have that part of you. This way, when they fall in love with someone else or give in to their (let's face it) natural desire to fuck someone else, you won't be left homeless. You'll still have that 20% of your heart (still intact, thank you) that you smartly never relinquished in the first place.

    3. Related to the point above, adopt a Hope-For-The-Best-But-Expect-The-Worst stance when it comes to the person you fall in love with. Always be prepared for the fact that he/she might stray. The street version of this is: If You Brace Yourself For The Slap It Won't Hurt As Much. And that's what you have to do if you're going to hop on this Falling In Love bandwagon. You've got to always be bracing yourself for the slap. Now don't misunderstand--this doesn't mean you can't relax and show them that you love them and also accept love/affection from them. You can still be warm and open but in the back of your head--or heart, in this case--you must be constantly bracing yourself for the slap. That way, when it comes it'll still hurt but it'll only sting; it won't SEVER, TEAR, DESTROY. If the slap never comes, then hey, you lucked out.

    4. Never, ever, ever, EVER believe that there's such a thing as the Perfect Man or the Perfect Woman--someone who's physically gorgeous, smart, funny, humble, financially well off, wild in bed, likes the same movies/music you like. The more likely scenario is that you'll find someone who's attractive and sexy but can't tell a joke if a gun were pointed to his/her head, or someone who's gorgeous and funny but only needs sex once a week, or someone who's cute, funny, sexually omnivorous but loves Country Music while you love only Heavy Metal, or someone who's draw-joppingly hot, humble, rich but owns a Rush Limbaugh coffee mug while you sleep on sheets emblazoned with Al Gore's picture. So be it. The Perfect Man/Woman lurks only in habitats such as Hallmark card covers, cheesy 1980's love songs played on Lite FM, romance novels, and titillating Playboy articles.

    5. Accept the fact that you'll always be Lonely. No matter what you do, or who you're with, you will always be Lonely. Why? Because Loneliness is one of life's main ingredients. There's a reason you come into this world alone (and don't give me that shit about twins--even they come through the hole one at at a time) and leave it, alone. It's the Cosmos trying to give you a clue. It's also no accident that Life, Love, and Loneliness all begin with the same letter. So never get into a relationship with someone just to eliminate loneliness because Loneliness ain't going no where, baby. No one can be with another person constantly. Even when the other person is PHYSICALLY there with you, he/she is not always necessarily There with you. That's why you've got to always enjoy being there with yourself and, for that matter, for yourself. You're the only person you can truly count on (to the point of betting money) to be there with you.


    Now, if you apply the tips above, I guarantee that you'll never get a broken heart again. Notice I didn't say you'll never get a bruised heart, or a sprained heart, or a scratched heart. As long as you're rubbing shoulders with that wild beast called love, you're going to get injuries, but at least now, you'll have some protective gear.

    ---A guy who is Cynicism's latest captive

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r0ann

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    • Name: Roann
    • Country: United States
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    • Birthday: 3/9/1981
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 2/10/2004

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  • This blog was born out of massive schizophrenia. The voices in my head can sometimes be too much to take. Bear with me.

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